Light Bulbs of a Crazed Mind
by FCsquibbles
Summary: A roadtrip through Gin's neural pathways. A quest to understand Gin's obssession with Rukia. Possibly finding a light bulb or two to enlighten the darkness of a crazed mind?


Disclaimer: I don't own Bleach, associated characters, ideas, anything remotely associated to Kubo-dono's brilliant work. So, no sue!

Author's note: This a first ever fanfic. So be kind. I couldn't find a beta-reader and got quite sick of proof reading it myself. It isn't as perfect as I'd like it to be. To be fair though, the story is mainly written from the POV of a crazy man...consistency would not be expected. So, there's my excuse for literary and grammatical leniency! Truly though, it's an 'interesting' AUish story...a bit of a rollercoaster.

* * *

**LIGHT BULBS OF A CRAZED MIND**

_**Gin's POV…**_

He told me to kill her. In the split second that shikai was released, my thoughts momentarily contrasted against the automatic obedience and loyalty of my actions. Why didn't Aizen-sama kill her himself? Why me? Did he see something of me that I didn't? Doesn't he trust me? That's it then, if Aizen-sama thought it right for me to rid Kuchiki Rukia of her existence, it must be done.

I relished the instant as my zanpaktou sped towards its target, seeking its place in Rukia's body, in THAT man's vulnerable underbelly.

Kuchiki Byuakuya.

Hate.

Simple and overused yes, but I can't find a description as absolute as that word to define my feelings for that man.

**_

* * *

_****_Flashbacks…_ **

_The laughter…the grating laughter. It kept pounding on my ears…or was that the pounding of my heart from the flush of shame. As I lay there, rigored into a fetal position, in a pool of pain and blood, I heard his footsteps coming closer towards me…measured and sure, never fearing if someone could be better than him, confident in his place in the world. His zori stopped just short of kicking me in the nose, raising enough dust from the ground to add an extra grain to the insult._

"_Rukongai breeds run true…foolish to a fault. You are not content enough to soil our Shinagami ranks with your ineptitude, but dare insult your superiors with challenges? You couldn't have beaten me, I knew that and you did too. It showed in your eyes, ones absolutely devoid of zanshin I might add."_

_A nervous snicker escaped from the audience. _

_As Byakuya turned to leave, he saw fit to grace me with one last advice, _

"_Return to the dirt you hailed from Gin-san. You wouldn't even be good enough for the 4__th__ Division." _

_With my honour as shattered as the shards of my zanpaktou, my face almost lost its resident smile-grimace. Whether it be the overwhelming sense of defeat or pain, for the rare times in my life, I nearly allowed that physical shield of protection slip. _

_And then Aizen-sama came…_

_He gave me the means to salvation…calculated hate. _

_From Aizen-sama I learned the value of patience and subterfuge. I would hold back from a quick revenge…destroying an enemy was so momentary and unsatisfactory. There would be nothing less but a brand of immortal pain for my favourite Kuchiki. _

_Byukuya was too stupidly proud to be affected by a direct attack. His wife's death gave me an idea, and the adoption of his sister gave me an opening. _

_Kuchiki Rukia. _

_She would be the perfect, little instrument for my revenge. Her pain would transcend one thousand different ways of hurting the elder Kuchiki. I just hope Byakuya learns to love his little sister all the more. He has been very accommodating so far, with his less than subtle over-protectiveness in removing his own sister from the candidates of seated officers. _

_The announcement of Kuchiki Rukia's execution was sweet music to my ears. Even knowing the sentence beforehand, Byakuya's reaction was priceless. His struggle to school his face out of shock and helplessness was even more amusing than watching Hinamori's foolish devotion to Aizen-sama. I must admit to contributing to the finishing touch, having Byukuya himself announce the death sentence. It was only a little something, nothing to be too proud of…yet. _

* * *

For Soul's sake! 

Well…Byakuya just had to be a spoilsport and impale himself on my Shinso. What was all that about? This was not the plan! Byakyua, Byakuya…you're supposed to arrive just in time to see Rukia die…get with the plot man! Now I don't get to see you cry and rant. Some noble snits are just so unco-operative.

Well, Rukia-chan will just have to be dealt with another time. I'm sort of glad she didn't die. I'd get so bored with no one to play with…wait stop! I didn't think that! Where did that treacherous thought come from? I must remain committed to Aizen-sama's orders. He said kill her. I kill her. Only Aizen-sama can lead me the right way towards revenge. Only Aizen-sama can form my hate into an effective tool. Without him, I am afraid. Afraid that one day, I will have no one to remind me to hate. I am lazy and I do get bored. What if I get bored of hating Byakuya? No, this will not do.

It's simple really.

Kuchiki Rukia must die.

**_

* * *

_****_Hueno Mundo…_**

I saw her in the swirling sands. She looked so helpless and alone. No big brother to defend her. No Ichigo or other brainless bulls to charge to her protection.

I could complete what I couldn't finish in Sereitei. I would wipe away the one and only blemish to my loyalty to Aizen-sama. I will make Byakuya scream with loss.

I let myself the momentary joy of being in utter control when I executed bankai. As I felt and manipulated every atom, molecule, and particle that existed in the air around my body and coaxed it towards its target, the rush as these particles reaching light-speed was amazing. I imagined all those particle bullets shattering that delicate, petite frame of Rukia-chan. I hallucinated her screams of pain. I…I…

I could almost feel myself tear apart as I forced every fibre of my body move to beat light-speed. I was master of my own bankai, so logic told me I should be able to exceed it. There was never a reason why I had to do it. I still doubt why I need to accomplish it now.

A stream of heat and light seared my neck and shoulder as I barely evaded my own attack. The smell of singed hair pierced my nostrils, strangely mingled with the scent of blood, sweat, and….sakura blossoms. From the circle of my seemingly protective embrace, I believe Kuchiki Rukia looked as shocked as I would be if I could ever allow my face to express as such.

**

* * *

****Jail… **

This was so laughable. I do believe my face would be taxed if it were made to smile any further.

Locked in a cell with Kuchiki Rukia.

Why the damnable Sereitei did I save her? I can't blame Aizen-sama for his sentence. I enthusiastically agree with the punishment.

In more hints than words, Aizen-sama had alluded to my developing 'peculiarity' towards Rukia-chan. Sometimes, I believed I despised her even more than the Kuchiki who started the whole thing. Ironic isn't it? That Byakuya would adopt Rukongai scum for a little sister. What was it about her?

Sometimes, I feel I'm doing Byakuya's work for him. He was the one who wanted nothing to do with the "Rukongai breed". Wasn't I doing Byakuya a favour in ridding him of Rukongai Rukia?

I wonder sometimes, if Rukia-chan ever felt what I felt, when Byakuya shunned her. Did her background become a factor of their estrangement? Did those Kuchiki elders ever give her grief about her 'shameful status'?

No, she could never be like me! She was the Kuchiki princess. She was given everything while I was broken with shame. She was the antithesis of my existence!

Taunting her to release her shikai, with one flare and wrench of my reiatsu, I ruthlessly shattered her zanpaktou, just as my honour was shattered so many decades before. Her cry of physical and mental agony was unimaginable. That's what I wanted. Right?

I waited for the feeling of victory. I waited for the vision of how Byakuya must react, if he knew his sister was writhing in pain more cruel than death.

Nothing came to me…

The taste of disappointment was bitter. There was also frustration. Quite a lot of it, I believe. Maybe hurting Rukia-chan this way was not enough? Maybe if she would just shut up, her cries of pain would not so as annoying? Maybe if this cell wasn't so damn small, I wouldn't feel so confined? And what was that bloody pain anyway? Did my own bankai hurt my chest? I swore I took the brunt of the attack on my back. What was this irritating twinge in my chest?

I looked over to the girl. She had quieted down, but now with the effort of trying to control her wounds, she looked close to hyperventilating. Her brow had set into a permanent frown of tension. Her long, ebony eyelashes vainly tried to screen the pain in her eyes. Her small, elegant hands clutched convulsively at her hakama.

As I stood there, observing her, I felt sudden moisture on my face. What? Did she spit at me? But she hadn't moved or attempted to look up at me. She was too debilitated to even breathe properly. If Hueno Mundo weren't a desert, I'd suspect the roof was leaking.

**_

* * *

_****_Face off…_**

Footsteps echoed in the distance…ah, here he comes. The big boss coming to spank me on the backside. Better make myself presentable. All these dirt tracks running down my face just won't do.

"Tsk, tsk, tsk…still haven't taken advantage of your second chance? I don't know what happened out on the desert, but I was willing to believe you would prove me wrong in my suspicions and kill Kuchiki Rukia now."

"Maybe I was warming up to the task? She maybe small, but she's a tough one, I'll have ya know."

"Surely not for one of your caliber?"

"You flatter me Aizen-sama".

Aizen was irritated at Gin's evasiveness, obviously a cover-up for his reluctance to kill Rukia. Had Rukia truly become Gin's weakness? The fool, letting vengeance control his thoughts. He had thought to rope in Gin through his initial thirst for revenge, and then wean it out of him so that he could assist him in grander goals. Instead, Gin allowed his obsession become a fixation, possibly even indulgence in the more tender feelings? Ah well, that's the nonsense of emotions…dangerous in its negativity and positivity, just didn't think Gin would fall prey to it. Well, he wouldn't be the first or the last to disappoint him.

Aizen slowly shifted his gaze to Rukia.

Gin understood all too well. When Aizen was through with talk, he expected obedient actions and nothing else. Right now, he expected something to be killed or there would be hell to pay.

"No."

Aizen arched an eyebrow.

"I don't care what you do with the gal, but she ain't mine to kill anymore. She's like an irritating fly…you just need to shoo it away, not worth my energy to squish it to death."

"It can't be helped".

Incase Gin didn't get his point of extreme displeasure; Aizen punctuated it with a stab right through the solar plexus.

_**

* * *

**__**Rukia's POV…**_

He was breathing so shallowly now. His mouth in a grimace, face contorted in pain. Blood escaping his wound as desperately as I wanted to escape his presence. He had not realized I was conserving the last of my reiatsu to either heal or attack. Even with my zanpaktou temporarily out of action, I still may have enough Kidou to attack him. Make the final blow. It was the right thing to do. Right? Gin conspired with Aizen to bring down Soul Society. He was an enemy to my people. His crimes were his own condemnation and justice compelled me to finish him off.

_**Gin's POV…**_

Through the haze of torturous sensations, I sensed a shadow falling across my face. Well, well, well…the girl has guts.

"What are ya waitin' for? Do it! Finish me off if you dare!"

_**Rukia's POV…**_

He was so wounded…it wouldn't take much of my reiatsu to kill him. Not that I had much of it now anyway. No thanks to HIM.

Her finger hovered inches away from his chest. The incantation was on the tip of her tongue. Once again, she was called to kill one of her own kind. Stabbing Kaien-dono nearly destroyed her. But this time it should be different…he deserved it, he believed that himself because he was encouraging her to end it.

Then why did it feel so wrong?

There was no honour in this. I am a Shinigami. I will not end a defenseless man's life.

A man who saved me from himself.

A man who saved me at the expense of his loyalty.

I don't know his reasons, and I suspect I never will. This man may deserve many things, but he didn't deserve death at my hands.

I looked at him then. His silvery bangs tried to cover eyes, that for once, were not upturned in the semblance of the devil incarnate. His eyelids drooped…he looked…tired. It looked almost as if he kept his eyes closed to the world…too afraid to let anyone else see what may lay in his soul.

Drawing on the last reserves of Sode no Shirayuki reiatsu, I used ice to seal his wounds to stop the bleeding. My healing Kidou dealt with his internal injuries. I was surprised really, I didn't think I had any ice reiatsu left after Gin broke my zanpaktou. Baka man! If he hadn't of done that, the power from my shikai could have been channeled to heal both of us! Now, I didn't have enough for myself, and I…

**_Gin's POV…_**

Geez…hell ain't much different to life. Still in the same stupid cell, with the same stupid Rukia.

Huh?

I'm still alive! See, Rukia is stupid. Goes and uses the rest of her reiatsu to save an enemy.

Hmm….interesting. Rukia doesn't seem to be dead. She's all blue though…in some sort of icy 'protective hibernation' perhaps. Doesn't respond to some concentrated foot nudging. Maybe a few kicks to the head might do the trick. OK, that's not nice. Bad me.

A bit of 'spiritual diagnosis' might be in order. Extending outwards with my reiatsu, ready to assess the little chickie, I encounter a shock. A distinctly maternal female presence lashed out at my proximity. Now, let's be logical here Gin. Rukia is almost dying, her reiatsu should be fading, if she can't protect herself, who or what is the mystery presence?

And I'm not imaging things. I am not going crazy. Can't be. Already am.

Hmm…could it be her manifested zanpaktou protecting her? If it is, that is one grumpy mama watching over Rukia. Taking a more humble approach with my reiatsu, I allowed it to hover close to Rukia's body, waiting there like a good boy with an offer of my 'services'. Bad mistake. Wasting no time at all, Rukia's guardian mama began sucking me dry of reiatsu to heal her duckling. I thought she wouldn't stop, that crazy cow. Trust Rukia to have a zanpaktou as demented as she is.

I think she heard me.

It may explain why the energy transference stopped so abruptly. It may also be the reason why I have been so violently hurled back to create a lovely imprint into the sandstone wall.

Rukia appeared to be stirring. He wounds all seemed to be healed. Good. She better wake soon. She owes me explanations. One in particular.

"Why did you save my life?"

**_Rukia's POV…_**

Expecting ungratefulness, I was surprised to find otherwise. His query contained a world of vulnerability and innocence. As if he never expected or believed another human in his existence would care enough to do such a thing for him.

My answer was simple.

"Because you saved mine".

**_Gin's POV…_**

For once in my life, I felt my lips rise in a true smile. Nobody could probably tell the difference, but I felt it. That was enough.

* * *

_**This girl, this girl from good ol' Rukongai.**_

_**With her compassion,**_

_**Stronger than Byakuya's Senbonzakura.**_

_**Repaired what her brother destroyed**_

_**Reconstructed the scattered fragments of my life.**_

_**Showed me,**_

_**Taught me, **_

_**Convinced me, **_

_**Of the return of,**_

_**Honour.**_

* * *

**zori** : traditional Japanese sandals worn with formal kimonos 

**zanshin** : a state of mind in martial arts, a state of "relaxed alertness"


End file.
